What is Forgiveness?
To begin with, I think it's easier to say what Forgiveness is not.
It's not about condoning the behaviour that led to the pain, suffering, misery, shame, guilt, anger, rage, grief, hatred, loathing and all the other colours & shades of emotion and feelings inbetween. That simple statement was hugely important to me, as to begin with I didn't want the perpetrators of my pain to 'get away' with what they had done.
Initially, the different teachers I worked with didn't speak at all about forgiveness, as if that was shunned in some way. So, after many classes, I began to heal, but only on the superficial level. Any deep meaningful healing passed me by.
When I was ready, I found that my Inner teachers appeared.
Following many false starts, and periods of finding it all too hard, I have found that truly forgiving MYSELF and letting go of the memory of the painful events has helped me to to heal at a deep and meaningful level.
Why choose to forgive?
It could be said that, selfishly, I forgave myself so that I didn't have to keep dragging around my emotional baggage, that grew heavier and heavier as each year passed.
Personally, I think I was trying to save myself from a lifetime in pergatory. I had an inner knowing that I needed to heal myself of my negativity, so that I could help others heal too.
Forgiveness of self, and the role self played in the creation of an event or situation, the Lesson that was learned and can now be truly let go...Yes, that is where forgiveness is most needed. To let go and surrender the pain so that you are no longer burdened, and bowed down by it. So that you can choose again...and perhaps choose a healthier more fulfilling life.
To me, forgiveness IS the greatest gift of self-care, self-Love and self-development that you can truly give to your-self.
Something that I often ask the people I help is:
Q.When you hang onto the rage, the pain, the shame, the insults, the numbness, & the need for revenge, who are you really hurting?
It's often a most perplexing question, something that has not been considered before.
The answer that I'm seeking, is their insight that:
A. I'm not hurting the person who stirred up these feelings and emotions in me. I'm hurting myself.
It took me many years to accept this simple, small grain of truth. Before learning how to forgive, it always felt so elusive. Once I started looking for those emotions within me, then I was able to see that the only person I kept punishing, kept hurting....was me.
How totally insane was that?!
Sifting through my thoughts and feelings, I came to realise that in many ways, I was so hurt & my thoughts so toxic, that I wanted to inflict pain on those who had hurt me. Now that is selfish!
Matthew 5:38
Having grown up in a strictly religious family, I was particularly familiar with Matthew 5:38 where the Gospel writer speaks about taking revenge as being like "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth". An exact pain to be inflicted as punishment, as was delivered in the first place. If that isn't a call for revenge, I don't know what is!
However, the rest of the passage is quoted, less often, and really should be where the focus lies as the following verses are about the power of Love and, how to treat those who hurt us, and when we think about forgiveness, that makes them some of the most challenging to understand.
Two Graves & Two Wolves
Then there's another saying: "If you seek revenge, you should dig two graves" (anon). Hhhmmm!
This suggests that not only do you hunt down, exact your revenge, & bury your enemy, but you are also likely to become so consumed with negativity for them, that you'll 'kill' yourself at the same time, hence requiring the second grave.
Finally, there's the beautifully told story about Feeding Two Wolves.
These Two Wolves that are constantly competing for our attention. They live within us. They are the push-pull mechanism in our lives. Both compete, but in different ways, for our attention.
The upshot of the story is that whichever wolf you feed is the one that grows most powerful.
If you feed the Wolf of compassion, Love, peace, knowledge, empathy, kindness, forgiveness - then those qualities are the ones that grow most strongly within you & keep you on your spiritual path of growth and self-development.
However, if you feed the Wolf of self-loathing, rejection, pain, suffering, punishment, numbness, hate, shame, guilt, rage, grief, war, evilness - then negativity grows deeply, twisting and dominating, colouring all the thinking and feeling, creating filters through which to see the world. It opens the heart and mind to hatred of others, and acts as a portal for the Dark.
Which Wolf do you wish to grow in strength in your life? Which one is your Alpha Wolf?
No matter where you are on your spiritual path: at the beginning and just awakening & feeling confused, or casting around and looking for a way forward, or whether you are a seasoned professional truth-seeker, know that you can always change your thinking, how you feel & how you react to situations, feed the compassionate Wolf within & follow it so that you return home to your true Nature.
Forgiveness of Self is the first step forward on that path home.
Healing using Ho'oponopono
Today, there are many techniques available to help faciliate forgiveness. One of the easiest, though often misunderstood, is Ho'oponopono & I discuss it in depth in my next Blog post.
For now, here's a brief overview.
Dr. Hew Len (faciliator of Ho'oponopono) said that the most important relationship is that of the Mother (conscious mind) and the Inner Child (subconscious mind). If the Inner Child is running the show in my external world demonstrating her fear, anger, rage, upset etc. through how I react, think, and am triggered, then, I want to do some healing work with those memories that influence my automatic, learned behaviour.
It's back to the story of the two Wolves. Which one do you want to run your life? Which one do you want to feed?
Using Ho'oponopono is very simple. In its most basic form, it consists of a 4 statement mantra ~
I AM SORRY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
I LOVE YOU
THANK YOU.
Having worked with the technique, I find that I need to add in a few more elements so that I am laser focused (Conscious mind) on forgiving myself (subconscious mind) and clearing away the sting from negative emotions associated with various memories.
Living in a world where responsibility for one's actions, thoughts and behaviours is discouraged, I find it refreshing to take responsibility for how I show up each day. Feeding the Wolf that I've chosen..!
I address myself to the feelings first by saying: "Dear [whatever it is that I am feeling, I use a label e.g. Dear Shame, Dear Frustration, Dear Pain....]"
Then I use the 4 statement mantra offered by Dr. Hew Len for cleaning the feelings and perceptions.
It's one of those techniques that as long as you are focusing on letting go & surrendering those negative feelings of grief, anger, rage, loneliness, fear, shame, bitterness, frustration, boredom etc. you cannot do it wrong!
In some teachings it's suggested that you complete 108 cycles of Ho'oponopono to clear the feelings. This can go on for hours! and generally, I've found that my mind wanders and then I miss out on the benefits of the practice. So keep it short, perhaps no more than 20 minutes until you become proficient.
Practicing the Cleaning mantra (the 4 statements doing the cycle repeatedly, whilst focusing on the feeling) for about 20 minutes is usually sufficient for me, and it is customary to always end on the last phrase "Thank you" as I am expressing deep gratitude for taking the time to undertake the work & I am honouring my-self.
To complete the exercise, use this simple breathing exercise:
Breathe in to the count of 4
Hold to the count of 4
Breathe out to the count of 4
and hold again to the count of 4.
Do this 4 or 5 times to complete the practice.
The Practice of self-care, change & empowerment
It takes time to settle into a routine to fit in 20 minutes of Ho'oponopono each week let alone trying to work intensively and fit in 20 minutes a day. Science believes that it takes a minimum of 21 days to establish a new thought, routine or habit, so be gentle and thoughtful with yourself.
See your Ho'oponopono engagement as a gift of self-care.
Your Inner Child/Wolf has been running the show called your Life for a long time, and it may not be pleased to find that you are starting something new. Don't be surprised if you suddenly feel caught in a deluge of unexpected emotions that have been triggered by an unseen source. It may be your Inner Child/Wolf striving to regain control.
Make your-self your priority.
Feed the Wolf you want to grow & develop.
My next Blog post examines Ho'oponopono more deeply, gives the story of Ho'oponopono, and delves into why it is such a useful tool for Forgiveness.
Join my free Facebook group, Whole, Happy & Free!